Post 10: Family Pictures

Since my first surgery is scheduled for Monday (10/24), Phillip and I wanted to make sure we had lots of family pictures to take with us to the hospital since we will be there for a week. My sister-in-law, Anna came out with us to take a few of the family! We had so much fun! It really helped me put things back into perspective and it made my heart so happy. Here are a few we took last night. Thank you everyone for your continued thoughts and prayers. We have definitely felt them. My mom and sister will be taking care of Elise next week. Mom will be staying at our house while we are in Gainesville. Plesase keep them in your prayers as well. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful family! Thank you everybody. Your kindness, prayers, and thoughful messages have meant the world to us.  We will continue to keep you updated here on the blog over the next several weeks.



Post 9: Stress is an ugly monster.

So, this week I had all kinds of fun plans. My plan was to "be normal." Everyday was going to be great! I was going to eat whatever I wanted, go for bike rides, play with my family. Have loads & loads of fun and just enjoy myself before the surgery. Good idea, right? I wasn't aware of this ugly monster called stress that took over my mind and body and made me feel beside myself.

Phillip, my mom, sister, and I planned to take Elise to a pumpkin patch and have lunch this past weekend. I was super excited the day before and ready for my fun weekend ahead. Well, Friday night I couldn't breathe. I felt like I just couldn't get enough air no matter how deeply I took a breath. My heart was pounding, my body hurt. Head was spinning, my face and hands went numb. What in the world was going on? I had no appetite. This can't be happening! I had plans to eat a giant steak and brownies and ice cream this week! I have to because I won't get to eat for a while!! Of course the thought of my "plans" being ruined made me panic more. This continued on and off throughout the weekend between little trips to the pumpkin patch and throughout the day. Yes, we went. I refused to ruin our weekend! I slapped on a smile and tried to enjoy myself between the "crazy moments." The fun must carry on!!

Here are a couple of pictures of Elise we took at the pumpkin patch! This little girl cracks me up and makes me so happy!

Even though we had some fun at the pumpkin patch, I was still worrying too much. Since I had so much trouble breathing, I convinced myself I was getting sick. Oh no! I must have bronchitis, or what if I'm getting pneumonia!! Oh NO!! The doctor told me that if I was sick they would have to reschedule the surgery. NO! I can't be sick!!! My mind kept spinning. Well, with all of this worrying, I eventually made myself sick and couldn't keep any food down. I ended up going into a full blown panic attack and crying like a baby. I felt like a crazy person. I have never had a "real" painic attack. Lots of anxiety? Yes. But a full blown attack?... This was new and scary. For those of you who deal with panic attacks on a regular basis. BLESS YOU. I don't know how you fight this everyday. This is a whole other ball game. My mom kept telling me. You're ok, you're having a panic attack. I google everything. I know, I know. You should never use google to diagnose yourself. All of the symptom charts lead you to make you think you're dying. So I disciplined myself and limited my google search to "symptoms of stress." Aaahhh. I see now. This is why I feel like I am going nuts. Stress is just horrible. It will literally destroy you and make you sick. The mind is a POWERFUL thing. I keep reading the syptoms daily and remind myself, nothing is wrong with my lungs. I CAN breathe. My worrying is making me not able to breathe. Easier said than done! Yes, I still have been having panic attacks this week. No, I have not brilliantly cured myself of my crazy thoughts. I'm only human, right? But I have given myself permission to lose it every now and then. Sure, it is ok to lay on the floor and cry like a blubbering baby. But then I get up, brush myself off and try to push forward.....Or my husband makes me :) I love him! Bless him, he has seen a whole other side of his wife this week! Knowing the physical symptoms of stress and behavioral symptoms helped me realize I'm not getting sick or going crazy. (Maybe just a little crazy :) I am going to get through this and be ok!

Everyday I am reminded of how lucky I am. Aside from having the most wonderful family and friends I could ever imagine, I have the best principal and co-workers ever (who are also wonderful friends). They treated me to a massage yesterday since I've been wigging out. I have tried to keep it together, but they could probably see the twinkle of crazy in my eyes :) It was the best massage EVER!!!!! I tell you, afterwards I felt like a new woman. My spirits were lifted. My body felt better. I felt like me again. Now the massage therapist warned me that I would be all knotted up again in a day or so. Darn. I know the stress may not subside until all of this is over. But hey, a night of good sleep and relaxation did me some good! It's amazing what a little treat like that can do for you. So thank you to my sweet family at Dewar Elementary! It truly did work wonders. A little name dropping here.... Natalie Miller (massage therapist) at Anthony & Company is a miracle worker. Maybe I shouldn't have said that, because I don't want her to be booked up al the time :)

So, my lesson I learned this week. Stress will turn me into a blubbering, crying, pile of mess. Thank you to all of my family and friends who have helped me keep it together and have picked me up when I lose my mind. Three days till surgery. Thank you for reminding me....this too, will pass.

Post 8: Pre-Op visit

Elise and Mommy right before going
to daycare. She is my ray of sunshine
through all of this! (5 1/2 months old)

Yesterday was our Pre-Op visit. Phillip and I dropped Elise off at daycare and headed to Gainesville. (I am lucky to have my mom to pick her up if we can't get back early enough.) We first met with the surgeon. We were able to ask lots of questions and address any concerns. We were gone most of the day for our Pre-Op appointments. After talking to the surgeon I had to get an EKG to make sure my heart is in good condition, bloodwork drawn, and a chest X-Ray to confirm that I do not have any cardiac or pulmonary issues prior to anesthesia. I also had to see an anesthesia team. I will be asleep for a while for this surgery. It takes a few hours, so they wanted to check my airways, etc. to make sure I was good and healthy. They said my surgeon was a good one, and I would do great. Always a good thing to hear!
Everyone kept reminding me that we are a team and they will be working with our family and helping us along the way. There will be a lot I will have to learn when I wake up from surgery. I will have a colostomy bag (hopefully temporary) and that will take some getting used to. Also they will be getting me up out of the bed and get me walking within 24 hours. Even if it's just around my room at first. They also said I will  be without food for a few days. I'll start with liquids and slowly work back to solid foods. It will be a physical and emotional roller coaster, but I am so lucky to have Phillip by my side. The toughest part is not  being able to see Elise right after the surgery. Elise has been what has kept me happy and going strong. I can have the most rotten day, but as soon as she is in my arms I am happy. My mom will bring her up to see us after a few days when I am feeling a little better.  Phillip will be able to stay with me and help take care of me while I am in the hospital. He will be learning a lot from the nurses on how to help me when we go home as well. Luckily I have my mom and sister who will be taking care of Elise the week we are in the hospital.

I can't tell you enough how lucky I am. I really have the most amazing family, and my husband...I think he is an angel. He is my best friend and has held my hand through every single appointment. I know this is all just as tough for him, if not harder. I know I would rather go through with this than have to watch him, or Elise go through any type of surgery. I know he feels helpless. But the truth is, he has done more for me than he realizes. Just being there to tell me everything will be ok is all that I need.

After 5 hours of being at the hospital, and a two hour drive there and back, we were finally home just in time to give Elise a bath and get her to bed. We missed her so much! We get so excited when we pull in our driveway because we know we are minutes away from hugging and kissing our little girl!

My spirits are still high. During the days I feel pretty good. However, I am finding I don't want to be alone lately. That's kind of unusual for me. I have never been the type that had to always be around someone. I love a quiet afternoon by myself at the house. But lately, I can't handle being alone with my thoughts. The evenings are the most difficult for me right now. After Elise goes to bed I tend to have some anxiety attacks. I guess when it's quiet I have time to think. I end up worry myself sick. Sometimes I am scared to go to bed because I know I will lay there and think about everything....I think, will I make it through the surgery? Will Phillip & Elise be left alone? Has the cancer spread? Will I wake up from surgery with more bad news? Can we handle the medical bills? Then I start to feel guilty about having to be taken care of. I don't want to be a burden.....the thoughts just go on and on. My doctor prescribed some medication that will help me fall asleep and calm my anxiety a little bit. It has helped me a lot in the evenings. When we met with the psychologist at our last visit, she said I might be experiencing some night time depression. I feel like I am just a big mess in the evenings! But writing about it and talking it through has helped a lot. I am definitely ready to have this behind us.

I just want to thank you all again for your continued prayers. All of your sweet comments and emails have really helped me stay strong. My 1st surgery is on the 24th of October - a little over a week away. For now, I just want to get the house together and spend as much time with my family as possible. I might still be in the hospital during halloween, so this weekend we may try to find a pumpkin patch for Elise to see! I want to take lots of family pictures too. I'll be cuddling and snuggling that little girl as much as I can this week!

Post 7: Oncologist Consultation

We received some good news from the oncologists Thursday. I will not be needing any chemo or radiation at this time! So relieved!! At Shands they have pow-wow sessions where all of the doctors meet and discuss patient cases. (3 Oncologists, 3 GI specialists, and 2 surgeons that I know of) This is amazing to me. I love how everyone knew everything about me before I even met them. I really can't say enough about how amazing Shands has been.
It was a long day and we met with a lot of people. Phillip and I met with 3 oncologists, a social worker, and a psychologist at the cancer center. Everyone was phenomenal and made me feel like I was in such good hands. They said during my endoscopic ultrasound the GI specialist got really great pictures of the tumor and they said it appears to be completely contained in my colon. It has moved to the muscular wall, however so we need to get this thing out soon. Luckily they did not see anything in my lymph nodes or in any other surrounding organs! They think surgery as soon as possible will do the trick and that radiation may be over doing it at the moment. However if any more cancer is found in surrounding areas during the first surgery, my procedures will go from 2 surgeries broken into 3 so I can have radiation if I need it.

This is my schedule at the moment:
October 12th - My Pre-Op appointment with my surgeon. Everything will be explained on how I have to prep for my 1st surgery.

October 24th - Surgery # 1: This will be a tough one. I will be in the hospital for 7-10 days depending on how I heal. I will have a total colectomy because of the tumor and because of my colitis. If I do not get my entire colon removed it's not a question of IF cancer will pop up somewhere else in my colon, but WHEN. Better to get it all taken out now so I never have to go through this again. During this surgery they will create the JPouch.

If they do see cancer elsewhere: they will wait to make the Jpouch, just do a colectomy and I will have to go through chemo and radiation then. (it would be split it in to 3 surgeries then)

If no additional cancer is found:  If all looks good my surgeon can make the pouch and I will be on my way to healing. While I heal I will have to wear a colostomy bag until my last surgery unfortunately.

I will have to be out of work for 6-8 weeks to heal from this first surgery. Hopefully I will heal faster and can be fairly normal before then. I will still be wearing the colostomy bag at this time.

After 3 months: (If all goes well)  Takedown surgery #2 . In the hospital for 3-5 days. I will have the colostomy bag removed (finally!) and then my small intestine can be hooked back up to the Jpouch that was made. It will be healed and ready to start functioning by then.  Hopefully this will be done sometime in February (if I do not have to have chemo)

6-8 weeks of healing time again for this surgery. Even though the surgery will be easier, this will be a tough time because I will have to learn how to eat foods again _get my plumbing moving so to speak. I will start with a liquid diet, move to soft foods, then eventually normal foods. It will be a lot of trial and error and I will be sick for quite a while until I can figure what foods will and will not work for me. The good thing is after the takedown surgery I will no longer have to wear a bag because of the pouch that was created using my small intestine. It is amazing how they can do this!

Over the next year my JPouch will continue to improve. Bowel movements may start out around 20 per day immediately after the surgery. (No fun at all) However, over the course of the year it will go down to 4-5 (I hear that is as good as it gets)

Meanwhile I am feeling great and doing well. Phillip, Elise and I are enjoying this gorgeous fall weather we are having right now. I am eating everything I want right now because I know in a couple of weeks I won't be able to! (We made chocolate cake the other day) I'm also doing a lot of things like riding my bike (my mom got Elise a little trailer to hook to the back of my bike) and enjoying working in the yard. I know I won't be able to do some of those things I love for a little while and I am just trying to enjoy myself  before I go in for surgery.

Post 6: Surgeon Consultation

Yesterday (September 28th) Phillip and I met with my surgeon in Gainesville, Florida to discuss the procedure. At first we were told I might need 6 weeks of chemotherapy and radiation. The radiation would need to be done before my first surgery because it can ruin the JPouch that my surgeon will create for me. (The JPouch is created so I do not have to have a permanent colostomy bag). We were devistated because radiation to the pelvis meant we would more than likely never be able to have another child. Wednesday night I just held Elise forever and thanked God for her over and over. I was heartbroken that we may not be able to have another child, and I just wanted to soak it all in. Holding her, rocking her, the feeling of having my baby in my arms. I was an emotional wreck. It really hit us that we wanted another baby. But we are just so grateful for Elise and came to terms that if Elise was our only child, then we would be just fine. It was a miracle that we had her before all of this was discovered! She is the light of our life. We will be meeting with the oncologists tomorrow to discuss treatment.

Post 5: Telling co-workers and friends

Telling people has been really difficult for me. I let my principal and school nurse at school know. My family and two of my best friends. Phillip had to call and tell my family. I just couldn't bear to do it. I don't want to upset anybody. Seeing people upset tears me up. I know it's because they love me, and I am so grateful to have such strong support from my family and friends. But I just don't like seeing the saddness in their eyes. It makes my heart hurt. The only other person I told was my student teacher. I let her know what was going on too, since I would have to miss some days for doctor appointments. She has been wonderful and is doing a great job with my classes. I am so grateful to have her here because it really helps ease my mind to know my classes will be in good hands when I am out of school for surgery. Other than these people, I didn't want to tell anyone. Not yet....I guess I just wanted to go to work and have a normal day. I didn't want to constantly think about all of this. Sometimes I have a hard time wrapping my head around all of this. Sometimes it doesn't feel real. I am a private person and even this blog is kind of hard for me to write. It really does help me collect my thoughts though. My doctors and principal suggested I do it. And it has helped me sleep better when I can just get it all out. I haven't posted this blog yet or made it public. (It's mid September now) It's just for my eyes at the moment. When I go into surgery and I won't be at work for a little while, I will post it so if anyone has questions they can read if they want. That way I don't have to keep saying everything over again. My principal has been so supportive and basically helped me tell my co-workers. I just couldn't do it. I don't have the energy or the emotional strength to tell it over and over. I knew I had to let the cat out of the bag eventually. She sent out a wonderful & positive email to let the faculty know.......

"Please keep Meredith Klapp in your thoughts and prayers. 

Some of you might remember that last week of Meredith's pregnancy in May when she got so sick before baby Elise was born.  Thanks to her doctor, some tests were run that week that revealed a mass in her colon.  Further tests were ordered -- including a referral to Shands.  Meredith just recently found out that she has colon cancer.  Yesterday's appointment revealed that it is a Stage 2 cancer that is fully contained in the colon.  Meredith will be meeting with her surgeon at Shands next week to determine what her treatment options will be.  All we know right now is that she will have to have surgery to remove that area.

As you can well imagine, this has been a shock to Meredith and her family.  Meredith is not experiencing any symptoms and speaks with relief that because she had Elise, the doctors were able to find the mass.  Colon cancer is rare in someone so young -- but we feel very optimistic with her prognosis. 

Meredith, I know I speak for everyone at DES - You are loved and we will be there for you every single step of the way.  You have a HUGE family behind you and we will get through this together.

I often tell others about the amazing acts of kindness that I see day in and day out in the land of Dewar.  I have no doubt that Meredith will feel strengthened by our love and care for her during this difficult time".

Beth

This took a big weight off my shoulders. It was a bit overwhelming to have people coming up to me and saying they were sorry and that they were praying for me. I have never felt so much love. I am really feeling the prayers & I am so thankful for being surrounded by such wonderful people.

Post 4: Official diagnosis

Yesterday I had yet another procedure. I welcomed it though because the more opinions I get, the better. I went to Shands again to have and Endoscopic ultrasound and more in depth biopsies done. This procedure is done by using a scope with an ultrasound device on the end so they can see within the intestinal wall. The doctor and nurse were absolutely amazing. I really feel like I am in good hands at Shands. The nurse held my hand the whole time and the doctor explained everything as he was doing the procedure. I chose to do this procedure without sedation so I could look at what was going on, and the doctor could communicate with me what we saw. I won't lie and tell you it wasn't uncomfortable. But you don't feel the biopsies. The main discomfort comes when they puff air inside you to open the intestinal walls. This causes some cramping, but it was not unbearable. Ulcerative colitis symptoms I've had in the past hurt much worse. I kind of wondered how I was not an emotional wreck during the procedure, but bear in mind, I have had almost 5 months to process that I "might have colon cancer." No, it does not make it any easier. But a lot of my crying and the stages of grief you go through, like denial have already passed somewhat. Now I just want to hear it and move forward. It never really gets easier though. Especially when you hear the "C" word. The ultrasound showed it is stage T2 colon cancer. The GOOD news is there are no nodes. (T2-NO) which basically means it has not moved outside of the wall of the colon. This is REALLY good. (Here is a chart that explains stages. It really helped me understand the course of colon cancer a little better) This means as of right now it is contained and has not traveled to my lymph nodes or other organs. I am so grateful. I will meet with my surgeon September 28th to discuss my best treatment options. Surgery is inevitable, but they will decide if I need a full colectomy with a second J-pouch surgery, a partial resection, and they will discuss if chemotherapy is something I need to do.
Yesterday was a lot to take in. I was really overwhelmed and became pretty quiet after the procedure. I think I needed time to let it sink in. I think when it really hit me was when I was sitting in the recovery area. There was an older man sitting in a wheel chair. I guess he just had a routine colonoscopy done and he was still a little groggy from the anesthesia. He was waiting on the nurse to wheel him out to see his family. We joked a bit about how he was about to push the red "exit" button so he could wheel himself out of there and get some lunch. We were both starving since we hadn't eaten for a couple of days. He was a sweet man. He asked me if I was ok and I guess my eyes watered up a bit while I said "yeah, I'm alright." He asked me if I had cancer. I was kind of shocked at how straight forward he was, but I guess he was still a little drunk from his anesthesia wearing off. When I had to tell him yes, It really hit me. I told him to make sure he keeps up those routine colonoscopies. I think his wife made him. I told him how lucky I am to have found it early.
After that I was a bit down in the dumps. It was good to see Phillip again after the procedure. He hugged me in the hallway on our way out and I tried to muster up a happy face so I could walk through the hospital to the car. He gave me a little gift he found in the hospital giftshop while he waited for my procedure to be finished. They were these beautiful owl earrings. I love owls, so he knew it would cheer me up. We made it out to the parking lot ok, but I lost it for a few minutes when we sat in the car. It all just seemed so surreal, like I was making it all up. After a good cry, I was ok and we got some lunch. We were so ready to get home and see our little girl. She was at daycare all day, but we had my mom pick her up.
I really feel like our little girl saved my life. My Ulcerative colitis was doing so well. I really had no symptoms and thought I was in remission. However, the week before she was born I was so sick wich led them to do some tests. Everything worked out it a way for us to discover the cancer early. I was placed as "high risk" because I had a previous miscarriage and because of having UC. If I hadn't been sick right before Elise was born & my doctors didn't take extra precautions because I had a high risk pregnancy, we might not have found this in time. It could have sat there for another year or so and might have spread. Our little girl is a miracle and my angel. Having her saved my life. Even the nurse and doctors during the procedure said "yay for having the baby!" Elise, in combination of having these wonderful doctors, saved my life and I am eternally grateful.