Post 36: The start of a new chapter.

Elise 15 months with a cancer free mommy

My last dose of chemo!

Phillip and I went to our oncology appointment on Monday, July 30th to find out the results of my blood work and CT scans.We were so nervous because every time we go to speak with the main oncology doctor we would hear more bad news.  "It's more aggressive than we thought, we need to do eight rounds of chemo instead of six." We went to Gainesville the night before because our appointment was at 8am the next day. We tried to make a date night of it, stay in a hotel and have a fun trip, but we were just too nervous to even talk much at dinner. To our relief (which is an understatement) the next morning at my appointment, my doctor came in and  looked at us with a huge smile and said everything looks good! He said the most beautiful word we've heard in a while - REMISSION! We still are in shock and can't believe this is finally behind us. I haven't wanted to announce anything until now because honestly I didn't want to jinx myself.  But I am so excited to officially say I am remission and do not have any detectable cancer in my body. All of my CT scans for my chest, abdomen and pelvis came back clear. We did however see a strange spot on my liver where the flow of blood has changed. It is something that has changed since my last surgery, but they are not too concerned with it. They will just keep an eye on it. I will go back every 3 months now for my appointments instead of every 3 weeks. Yay!!!I am so relieved to have finished my 8th round of chemo and I will not have to do anymore chemo treatments! We are tremendously grateful, overwhelmed with relief,  happy,  terrified, exhausted...there are just really no words to describe all of the emotions we have been feeling lately.

Back in my classroom for another year of teaching! 

Even though the worst part is over and behind us, (and we are sooo grateful for that) there is still a lot of work ahead of us. Phillip and I are both pretty broken, and drained emotionally and physically. We are trying to get a lot of rest and spend some time together just being a normal family. We've forgotten what it is like to just relax and not have this dark cloud constantly looming over our heads. I also really need to work on getting my strength back. My doctor said now is the time for me to start focusing on my fitness and nutrition. Three vitamins that are the most important for me right now are Calcium, Vitamin D, & Iron. I was not able to take any vitamin supplements while on chemo because it can exacerbate some of the side effects. For example, folic acid was a big NO-NO. It would cause my feet to blister up severely. I am also recovering from the extreme fatigue that chemo can cause. He explained that this will all pass with time, but for now I should expect to feel a lot more pain and discomfort as I become more active because my muscles have become so weak. My body is definitely screaming at me since I have started back to work teaching, 40 hours a week. He told me to treat everything I do like a mini workout. If I go to the grocery store and push around my grocery cart - that is considered a workout. Wimpy, I know. But that is all I can handle at the moment. The smallest things still wear me out, but acknowledging  that my body has been through hell and back reminds me to be more patient and gentle with myself and that it's all part of the process of getting better. I am learning my limits but I still need to push myself a bit. I want to get stronger and I am seeing a difference each day. Every day gets a little bit easier and that makes me so excited! Going back to school has been difficult but it has been so good for me. I am happy to be back in a routine and making progress! I was also named teacher of the year for my school at our County Schools Convocation. That was such a wonderful moment and a huge honor! It was so great seeing everyone. I forgot how much I missed being at work and with the kids in class. My classroom is definitely one of my happy places and it has really helped me through this whole process.

My whole world. 

As for the emotional part of the healing process, that one is a little harder. Phillip and I are drained to the core. It's been a scary ride and we have been in constant fight mode for over a year. You can't stay that way forever without it doing a little emotional damage. Phillip has been doing so much and he just amazes me every day.  A lot of people praise me and tell me how strong I have been, but honestly Phillip is the one who has been incredibly strong.  He has been doing an amazing job taking care of our family and caring for me while I am sick. I don't mean just bringing me soup and fluffing my pillow like you see in the movies. Phillip has gone above and beyond. I have never seen a more genuine act of love and heroism than what this man does for our family every day. I am so lucky and blessed beyond words to have him as my husband, best friend and father to our little girl. Phillip tells me I am beautiful every day even when I was gray and sick from chemo. He changed my bandages, emptied my drains after surgery,  helped me change my ostomy bag,  taken me to countless doctors appointments, slept on an air mattress on the floor during hospital stays and has never left my side. He has held me while I cried through panic attacks, and eased all my fears even when I know he was scared to death himself. He has washed my hair,  carried me when I didn't have the energy to walk,  fed and bathed me at times,  brought me my medications,  taken care of all the bills,  taken on the role of a single father at times when I could not get out of bed.  He does the dishes, washes the clothes and while he manages to do all of this for me, he has been an exceptional father to Elise. Most days he does all of this completely by himself without help.  He has never once complained and has done it all with a loving heart.  Of course he is human and has days where he breaks down.. We cry together, talk about our fears, and there are days we feel both feel sick from worrying so much.  But this incredible man has been my rock. He has never skipped a beat and he amazes me every day. I don't think I could love him anymore than I do today. The love we had when we first got married is nothing compared to what I feel for him now. We have grown together so much and have truly become a team. He is my hero and my best friend. A lot of people say I have been brave. I haven't. I have just been doing what the doctors have told me to do because that is my only choice. You just do it so you can be with your family. The brave ones are the caregivers. Those are the people that work tirelessly to help their loved ones through an illness while they have to sit there and watch them be in pain. This cancer has not just been my illness, it has been both of ours. He feels pain when I am in pain. He is sad when I am sad. He is terrified just as much as I am - maybe more at times. No matter how gruesome or uncomfortable any situation was that we have been through together, Phillip has never once left my side. That to me is true bravery. I am forever grateful for him and I don't know how I got so lucky to have him come into my life.

Our little family at our favorite restaurant on SSI

As a family we still have a ways to go. We haven't quite figured out how to just be US again. We are so used to being in this constant state of worrying and we haven't learned how to let go of that yet. I still get this lump in my stomach when the phone rings. I have a hard time looking at pictures of myself before my cancer diagnosis. Sometimes I hardly recognize myself in the pictures and I feel like I have lost that girl I used to be. I miss her. Back then my only worries were shedding a few pounds, wondering what to make for dinner, or not wanting to get up early for work.  I had no idea what was ahead of us. Those were the easy days. But every day I can tell I'm getting a little bit better. I know I will never be that same girl, but in a way I am grateful for that. I have learned to appreciate things so much more. I have learned to love more and enjoy the little moments that I used to take for granted.  Although Phillip and I are still experiencing a lot of anxiety, we are working hard to get that under control. I've seen a therapist to learn how to control some of my panic attacks and I am able to spot the first signs now and shorten the time and frequency of them.  Phillip has also gone to the doctor to discuss how he can control his anxiety as well. We've been trying to just put it all out of our head and do things as a family again.  This past weekend, Phillip, Elise and I went to Brunswick/St. Simons, GA to see family. We haven't seen them in a long time since we've been so wrapped up in treatments and appointments. It was good to get away. Anna, my sweet sister in law took some photos of just Phillip and I together. We haven't had any photos of just the two of us in years. I am excited to have them and I am so grateful Anna was able to do this for us. I will post some pictures soon. It was a special time for us because It really marked a huge milestone.  Elise is absolutely wonderful. She is so amazing and changing everyday. She is 16 months now and is so much fun. She is dancing and clapping. She's always so happy and could not be a sweeter baby! I never knew I could love someone so much! She is really what keeps us going. We are just so happy to be able to move on to the next chapter in our lives together. We get to just be mommy and daddy for a while and that makes us so happy.

So, all is well again in the Klapp household. I still have two outpatient procedures left and my second surgery will be in November. I still have a lot of fear about what is to come, but I am so grateful for my amazing doctors, surgeons and nurses at Shands. They have been amazing and we know I am in good hands when I am there. I will keep everyone posted on how those upcoming scopes / outpatient procedures go. Thanks again for everyone's continued thoughts and prayers. We could not have gone through all of this without you all!

Post 35: What's next?

 So a lot has been going on lately! We were able to take our short trip to the beach. That was awesome! I was so nervous about getting into the salt water with my ostomy, but I did a lot of research and found a forum about triathletes with ostomies. Well, if they can swim in a triathlon with one,  then I should have no problems playing in the water! I was excited! And I found a nice one-piece swimsuit that hid everything well :) I was pretty wiped out since I had just finished a round of chemo, but we still enjoyed our trip with family.

Unfortunately this week I am back on the yucky chemo meds. To make things a little more interesting, Elise is home with me and has Hand, Foot, and Mouth disease. I have been sending her to daycare because I am too tired during chemo to keep her all day. But she ended up getting this virus. Not fun. But we are doing ok. I am enjoying my time with her and she is really snuggly since she's not feeling well. Poor baby. But snuggling is nice.

 Also, last Wednesday  Phillip and I spent a long day in Gainesville. We had an oncology appointment first, then we met with my surgeon to discuss some things and to get a clearer plan of what comes next.

Right now I am in the middle of my 8th, and (fingers crossed) LAST round of chemo. I will be taking the yucky stuff for 14 days (July11-27th) and hopefully will be done! I am excited to get this finished before school starts back.  After all chemo is completed, we will go back to Shands on July 30th to get another scan. This is the big scan. The one that will tell us if everything is good to go for surgery. We are praying that everything will look great and we can proceed as planned.

After this scan, we will go back to Gainesville on August 6th to have "the talk" with my Oncologist to get the results from the scan.

If everything is good, I will have a nice little rest for a few weeks to recover from chemo. I am SO EXCITED about this and can't wait to get some of my energy back!!! I know it will take time. Some friends of mine who have gone through chemo say it can even take years to be totally normal again. But even after being off of my chemo meds for  as few as 10 days I can feel a huge difference. So any regain in energy and strength will make me very happy.

Before my second surgery - The Take Down - we will travel back to Shands on September 17th to have a scope done to take a good look at the inside of my J-Pouch that was constructed from my small intestine. They will check to make sure everything looks like it has healed normally. This J-Pouch will act as my new colon since I don't have one anymore. So we have to make sure it's perfect and ready to take on it's new role.

On September 26th they will do a type of a "stress test" on my J-Pouch to make sure there are no leaks. This is the test I am pretty freaked out about. It scares me to death when they describe it! It will consist of a barium enema and they will put a balloon inside and stretch it out, then put the barium ink up my rear end to do a CT scan to make sure there are no leaks. EEEK!! It REALLY freaks me out. I will be taking some happy pills that day for sure to get through that test. It's funny though because I have been through so much worse, and that particular test is the one that freaks me out the most. I'm not really sure what to say to the nurses and the technician while they do this to me? Umm....so how has your day been? Done a lot of these today? Very awkward!

My surgeon said that if all my scans and tests are good, I can have my takedown surgery at the end of November. This second surgery will be nothing like my first surgery. The first one was like 8 hours, I think. Recovery was a Doozey! Not going to lie - it was HARD! This second surgery should take a few hours and the recovery time is a fraction of the time that the first surgery required. That is good news!

 I have had my ostomy now since October and it's going to be weird going back to using the bathroom like "normal people" again. (Well sort of normal) I am definitely excited about getting rid of this bag hanging off my stomach - that's a no brainer! However, I will miss the predictability of it. Right now I don't have to run to the restroom since I have a bag. I just empty it when I need to. It's kind of convenient. So what's a few more months of having an ostomy? I never thought I would say this, but life is still pretty great with it. Once you get it right, there are times when I forget it is there. I used to think about it every minute, now I will go hours without thinking of it.

November will be a great time to have my takedown surgery. My sister-in-law is getting married in early November and I want to be able to travel. If I have my surgery before then, I don't know how I will be or if I will be able to make the car ride up to north GA. Also by having the surgery in November I will have Thanksgiving and Christmas break to recover so I won't have to miss to many days of work.

So, this Christmas - if all goes well, I will get to look at my bare stomach for the first time in 14 months. Pretty exciting. The downfall is I will basically have to re-train myself how to go to the bathroom. Not very glamorous and downright embarrassing. But by now, all embarrassment has been thrown out the window. I talk about poop all day with doctors like we chit chat about the weather.

So that's what is coming up over the next few months. We have a LONG road ahead of us. The human body is truly amazing. I still can't believe they removed my entire colon and made a new pouch with my small intestine.  It's just crazy. Sometimes I am amazed with my ostomy too. The human body is extremely resilient and can function and adapt to some crazy situations. I'm proud of my body for all the beatings it's taken lately. But it constantly heals and it's just a miracle.
With my new J-Pouch, the doctors say it could take between 12-24 months to get my J-Pouch fully functioning. I will start with very frequent bowel movements at first (kind of like my ulcerative colitis days) then over the months it should slow down.

So there ya go...It's good to have a clearer picture of what lies ahead. We still have a long way to go, but I have to remember to look at how far we've come! Thanks for everyone's continued thoughts and prayers. I am looking forward to being finished with chemo soon and starting a new school year!

Post 34: How are we doing?

It's been a whole month since the last time I wrote. Where does time go? There have been days I've wanted to write. Then I don't feel well and wait for another day.  I wish I could write about something clever or witty - maybe share a story where I put a positive outlook on a crappy moment. But the truth is, we've been having some rough days here in the Klapp household. We are all tired and drained emotionally and physically. We've just been trying to live life normally. Being mommy & daddy and trying to keep things as routine as possible. But chemo has a way of reminding you of how difficult some days can be. Today I just needed to write. I don't want to save my words for the good days and make it seem like I am always strong with my chin up. If we only show ourselves at our best moments, it makes others think that we should always put on a show and wear a fake smile.... That's just not being real. I think that when we feel beat down, bruised and scarred, that's when we can relate to eachother the best. So, I wanted to share a few updates about my treatments and how we've been doing lately.

 Phillip has been amazing and has been my rock throughout everything. But he's pretty wiped out too. He started a new job a couple of months ago, and it's been going great! But with learning the ropes of a new job, taking care of me, taking me to appointments, getting my medications, cooking, cleaning, and basically taking on all of the duties of a single parent at times, he's pretty worn out. Elise is amazing. She's so much fun and growing like a weed! She was really sick last week with a virus, but she's doing well now. She's pointing and talking all the time. She's walking everywhere and giggles and laughs at everything. She's basically our angel and she's got our hearts in her hand. We never thought we could love someone so much. As for me...I'm hanging in there. I am completely drained as well. Emotionally I've been in a rough spot. I guess it's because I had a lot of hopes and goals for the summer that didn't go exactly as planned. Our summer has turned out to be a little different than expected.

I had a lot of summer goals:
1) I wanted chemo to be over - unfortunately, we're not quite there yet. I'll explain in a bit....
2) I wanted to make up for all the lost time with Elise. I wanted to be super mommy and play all day, and have loads of fun since I haven't been able to do a whole lot this past year since she's been born. 
3) I wanted to spend more time with my friends and family.
4) I wanted to work on getting stronger before my next surgery. Start excercising and feeling better. I've lost a lot of muscle during chemo treatments and I am pretty weak and worn down.
5) I wanted to get my photography business back on track, and focus on new projects for my students for the upcoming school year..
6) Big plans to reorganize my closets. Get rid of old stuff - out with the old & in with the new.
You know, the usual "I'm going to have a super productive summer" attitude :)


Well, my body said "NO - absolutely NOT!!" My body wouldn't allow me to do much more than stay put and rest, while my mind constantly races about what I want to do. It's quite frustrating and upsetting. I am the type of person who doesn't like to sit still all day. I want to get out and do things! But I have been too sick lately with additional treatments. A couple of weeks ago at my last oncologist visit we were told I will need a couple more rounds of chemo. YUCK. It was originally 6 months of chemo, but now it will be 8 months. This really bummed us out. Phillip and I were just celebrating that the hard part was finally over!! We walked into our past appointment with high hopes that I was finished and could schedule my next surgery. I had plans to spend the months of July and August healing and getting stronger, being super mommy.....you know - doing all the stuff listed above.

That would have been too easy. Since I have had major side effects from my chemo treatments, they had to give me some longer breaks in between rounds so I could heal. My hand & foot syndrome was causing the most problems. After each round the whole sole of my foot would blister and bubble up. Then it would all peel and I would lose thick layers of skin on the bottom of my feet. It has been pretty painful and has left me unable to walk some days. But to look on the bright side, I have baby smooth foot soles! It's like getting a deep chemical peel pedicure once a month. (I am sooo lying right now. It hurts!!) When my feet do this, my doctors won't let me start another round until they completely heal. This gets me behind on my treatments. They also had to lower my dose...again. I metabolize this stuff in a weird way and I am SUPER sensitive to the drug. So since I had a longer break between some of the rounds and a dose lowering, they said I have to do 8 months of treatments instead of 6.  Not happy. Could be worse though. At least I am here with a great prognosis. And, I still have my hair. That is good. My hair has changed color and texture. It is definitely thinner too. But at least I still have it. The chemo drug Xeloda that I take is pretty good about letting you keep your hair. The other side effects, well, they are horrible. The stomach issues, skin problems and fatigue are no joke. But I am learning how to deal with them as they come. It is what it is at the moment.....

I just finished my 7th month /round and I am beyond drained. Emotionally and physically. It's definitely been getting harder with each round. I have been experiencing a lot of body and joint pain. Lots of nausea, appetite problems, weight loss and extreme fatigue. This fatigue is like nothing I have ever experienced. Getting a gallon of milk out of the fridge to make Elise a bottle feels like I am lifting a ton and running a marathon. I can't carry Elise across the house. Thank goodness she is walking. We have been sending her to school/ daycare during the day because I do not have the strength to take care of her by myself. This hurts my heart more than anything. But, I know she LOVES school though and she gets super excited when she sees her friends.

Since I have finished the 7th round, I will have about a week off before I start my 8th round. We are planning to go to the beach with my mom and sister and her husband to have a little down time. This will be our first trip to play at the beach since Phillip and I went on our honeymoon. We can't wait to see how Elise will react to the sand and water! So we will have some time to rest and hopefully re-coop a little bit before this last round. I will then will have a visit to Shands on the 11th with my Oncologist and my surgeon, and then I will start my last treatment.

I will keep everybody updated after my appointment. So as of right now we are just living life and trying to savor every good moment. Happy 4th of July everyone! Lots of love to you all.

Post 33: Last round....here we go!



It's been a while since I have written.
But this is it..... If all goes well - this is my last round of chemo.

I'm excited, terrified, happy, relieved, and anxious. So many emotions all rolled into one.
It's strange. As much as I desperately want this to be over, chemo was kind of like a safe zone where I could stay in limbo. I feel weird even saying that. No real surgeries or procedures & tests could be performed during these past 6 months. No one could call me to tell me anymore bad news than what I have already heard. I don't jump when the phone rings anymore. I've kind of been left alone by doctors for a littel while during chemo because nobody really wants to mess with you when you're on these drugs. But now it's all about to be over. This is a proud moment for us as a family. We can almost say, "We did it!"

 The dark days of chemo are about to be over.

I am so thankful and my heart is FULL.

I can finally take a deep breath.....almost.

So what comes next ? I will get about 6-8 weeks of rest from chemo before my next surgery. Before my takedown surgery I will have to have some more tests and procedures done. I'll explain those when they happen. I'm not even sure of all the details, and to be honest I'm not sure I want to know. I am scared of being in the hospital again. I'm tired of needles and drugs. I don't want to be in pain anymore. I am terrified of more bad news. But I have to keep telling myself how far we've come. The worst part should be over, right? I pray that it is. After my next surgery, recovery time will come with it's own set of challenges and missing another 8 weeks of work. But after that, we hope to be able to get back to a fairly "normal life."

I love my silly little familly

Normal for us has definitely changed. As a family, we've grown and learned so much from this journey. We've learned we just have to adjust to what life throws at us, and that becomes the new norm. We've really tried to focus on just living life and enjoying all the good moments. That part has been a blessing. During chemo, one can experience the darkest of days. There have been moments where I don't think I can handle anymore. But we've arrived to this place.

The last round.

Finally.

Looking back almost a year ago I didn't know if I could do it. I remember sitting in the oncologist's office crying on the couch while Phillip held my hand. We wondered how are we going to get through this with a new baby? We couldn't believe I was a "cancer patient." It was all just so surreal. We've come so far and we've done it together. I used to think of chemo treatments as losing 6 months to a year of my life. But those kinds of thoughts don't go through my head anymore. We've been living it up and doing the best we can. If I have a good day, we take advantage of it and do as much as we can. Some days I have to take it easy and I can't do a whole lot. Some days are spent doing nothing but laying in bed feeling like hell. But those days are part of my life right now. The tough days deserve the respect that every other day gets. Those moments are not seen as a "pause" in my life anymore. They are part of our life that we just work through together. Now I see them as moments that have brought our family even closer. Moments where I fall in love with my husband all over again. Moments where we cry together and assure eachother that we are a team. We WILL get through this. Those are the times where I have cherished my baby girl's smile like no other. Those moments are what life is about. The good, the bad and the ugly times all have moments of grace and beauty that will be etched into my memory forever.

Phillip & I after photographing a wedding.

Elise's 1st birthday

The past couple of months have been filled with so much happiness. Birthday celebrations (Elise turned one!) engagements, marriage celebrations, dancing and laughing, milestones like watching my baby girl take her first steps! I photographed a wedding, finished up a school year that I thought I wouldn't even be able to complete and was named teacher of the year for my school. I've been able to help a new fellow ostomate during her times of struggle. I've been able to bond with other cancer survivors and make new friends. Iv'e learned how to roll with the punches a little more, and know when to walk away when someone is saying something that hurts me now. I've learned to not be afraid to live life. It's been a beautifully busy month. Yes, I've had some rough patches, but I am still here. I'm still fighting and strong. I've had a lot of time to think. I desperately search for a reason and a purpose as to why all of this has happened. Maybe it's so I can be here to help somone else, maybe it's a wakeup call for me to live and love life to the fullest.

 So, 12 more days. I know these next couple of weeks will be difficult. But I am ALIVE. I am still here, my litle girl is happy and healthy. I have the love of my life by my side, and  I am surrounded by true friends, amazing co-workers and family so committed to seeing me through this through.

It's difficult....but not impossible.

12 more days.

Post 32: It was the best of times.....

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..... it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair....(Charles Dickins) those words describe the past year perfectly. A year ago our baby girl, Elise was born. April 26th, 2011. It was the happiest day of our lives. I had been sick and I knew in my heart something wasn't right. But my doctor told me to come back 6 weeks after Elise was born for more tests. This 6 weeks of normalcy was such a gift. I am so grateful for those moments where I could just focus on being a new mommy. That was the last time I felt "normal." I didn't have a care in the world other than being a new family. Phillip and I were so excited to be parents. This little girl has brought us so much happiness in the past year, and I don't know what we would have done without this angel. She is everything to us. Our light, our hope, our purpose. She makes every surgery, every pill, every test I have to endure, and every bit of stress we have gone through worth it. I will do anything I have to to make sure Phillip and I will grow old together. I want to see Elise find the love of her life like I have. I want her to experience these same feelings of joy and overwhelming love that I have for her if she chooses to have a little one someday. I want to know that I have done everything in my power to be with my family as long as I can. There have definitely been moments that are so dark I don't know how I will get out of them. But there have also been moments where I am so happy I feel like my heart might burst. Moments where I feel like I am the luckiest person on the planet. Happy birthday my sweet baby girl. We love you more than we can even express. 

Post 31: What NOT to say.

Last night I found myself in an ugly place. I was being mean to my husband. I was complaining about anything and everything. I ended up an emotional mess. I was angry. I couldn't put my finger exactly on what I was mad at, but I was just REALLY ANGRY. I think I was angry at my body. I was sick of the days being so difficult. I just wanted to feel normal. I was taking it all out on Phillip and then I realized I am being mean to the person who is my best friend, who takes care of me. The one who is there for me at my darkest moments. The person who loves me unconditionally even when I am mean and don't deserve to be loved. I then realized I was mad for another reason. I was angry with people. I wanted to write about a few things people say to me that just really upset me.

I recently started seeing a counselor about my anxiety issues I've been having this past year. I haven't found myself being plagued with fear about my health issues quite as much anymore - right now I am having more social anxiety and I've been avoiding people - which isn't like me. There are times when I have spotted someone I know at the grocery store and I literally run and hide in another isle because I am afraid I will be stuck at Publix talking about cancer for an hour. Since I've been going to counseling I have learned that I need to be more assertive and control where the conversation leads. So this blog entry was my little assignment from my counselor. Sometimes I wish I could be more outspoken and just tell people when they have hurt my feelings. But I just grin and bear it. I usually just nod my head while they run their mouth, tune them out, smile and take it because I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable for being an insensitive person. Then I go home and take it all out on my husband, cry and tell him what people have said to me. I know this doesn't make any sense. Unfortunately by me doing nothing about it, I am also teaching people that it's okay to treat me this way and that it's alright to say things that hurt me. In counseling I have also been learning different ways to change the conversation, or just simply walk away if someone is being ugly to me. I think they will eventually get the point that I am not going to talk about it anymore with them. 

 Let me be clear and say this post is not about everyone who asks me how I am, or lets me know they are thinking about me or praying for me. I am not speaking of the sweet people who cheer me on and come up to me and hug me and greet me with a smile and are genuinely concerned. I LOVE you all and am so grateful to have you in my life. So, I am speaking to the naysayers.... This post is for the people who feel this need to talk about death and suffering every time they see me and I end up comforting them. Those who think I wear a sign at the grocery store that says "talk to me abut cancer in public." Those who ask me how I am doing, not because they care, but because they are nosy and want the latest gossip. This post is for those who never smile at me anymore and come towards me with a sad face saying, "aaaaaawww :( Oh you poor thing...."  I don't want pity or for you to look at me like I am dying. I don't want to talk about how I remind you of someone you knew who suffered through chemo, or someone you know who fought cancer but died in the end. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THESE STORIES. You would be surprised how often people do this. If you have said these types of things to me, I don't need you to come to me after reading this and apologize or tell me you feel bad. I don't care. I'm not going to make you feel better and say it was okay that you said those things to me. I am posting this in hopes that you will STOP and leave me alone, or at least think before you speak. You might be the nicest person in the world with all the best intentions. You might be concerned or don't know what to say. Maybe you feel like if you don't say anything at all I will think you don't care. Sometimes when a person is going through a difficult time, all they need is a hug and for you to tell them you are thinking of them / praying for them / love them. That's it. No profound words are needed. No stories of death are needed to make my situation seem "better." I would rather you just leave me alone if that is all you can think of when you see me. Just talk about the weather, ask about my family, talk about something that is going on in your life. Please stop talking to me about cancer and death. Instead celebrate with me, be happy for me that I am doing the best I can.

Another issue I am having is people telling me how "bad or sickly I look". At least once a day I get the sad face, then I hear I "look gray, or tired, I look weak, sickly, or my eyes look droopy." Yes, seriously people say this to me everyday. I get questions like, "are you okay? you look kind of grey and sick."  or "are you tired, you look like you don't feel good today." or "you're wasting away, you need to eat more". Of course I am tired. Of course I don't feel good. Would you like to eat when you feel sick? Chemo is no walk in the park. But I am TRYING and FIGHTING. When people say things like this to me it hurts my feelings so much and I am sick of hearing it. Would you normally insult a woman and tell her how bad she looks? Why is it okay to tell a person who you know is going through a rough time how bad they look? As women, we need to build each other up and support each other. Not say things that make us feel insecure or ugly.  

So I am done with trying to make you feel comfortable while your comments cause me to be in pain. To paint you a better picture of how much it hurts my feelings, this is what my morning is like before you say something like that to me:

At 6am I can barely get out of bed because I feel horrible. I spend 30 minutes trying to force down a piece of bread so I can take my chemo medicine so I won't throw up. I probably cried before I got dressed because my body hurts so badly and I am exhausted from not being able to sleep. I can't find anything to wear because I have lost so much weight from being sick. I can't take a hot shower because of my hand and foot syndrome and the blisters on my skin. Just thinking about getting ready has exhausted me and I just want to go lay back down. Instead, I wash my face, put on my makeup and try to pull myself together. I  put on a pretty dress so I can feel a little bit better about myself. I leave the house with hopes that if I look alright maybe people will treat me like I am a normal person and not treat me like I am sick. I psych myself up hoping it will be a good day and I feel pretty for a second in my dress. Then a person comes and basically tells me how crappy I look? Seriously?? This hurts my feelings so much. People might think it shows they are concerned, but really it's just a reminder to me how bad I actually feel. Please stop doing this to me. Just lie to me and tell me I look great. If I look bad, then don't say anything at all. I am doing the best I can and the last thing I need to worry about is being criticized for the way I look. I am in the fight of my life and I don't need to be told I look like crap.Yes, I am tired. What kind of question is that? Please be more sensitive and ask yourself if you would want someone to say that to you.

Naysayers, YOU WILL NO LONGER RUIN MY DAYS. 

Ok, I am done. And I have to say that felt pretty good :) 

Post 30: I get knocked down...but I get up again!

Waiting in the ER waiting room.
Unfortunately, this ER trip gave us no answers and we ended
up having to drive to Shands in Gainesville shortly after this so
I could be admitted into the hospital.  

Last week was just plain horrible. There's no other way to describe it. There is a happy ending to my story though! I missed the entire week of work because I had to be admitted into Shands Hospital for complications. Phillip and I left Elise with my mom while I was hospitalized. It was so difficult leaving her again, and I found myself crying so much in the hospital because I missed her terribly.

Just to give you a quick run down...... Last week (March 11-16th) I was in and out of two hospitals, had a CT scan, blood cultures, stool samples taken, abdomen X-Rays, more blood tests, a MRI of my abdomen & pelvis, Potassium infusions, countless bags of IV fluids, IV antibiotics, vital signs taken a billion times, met with surgeons, lots of doctors and medical students crowded around me observing the doctors.....let's just say I felt like I was on an episode of "House" with a giant team of doctors, oncologists and surgeons trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Even though the abscess showed up on my CT scan, I still never ran a fever, my blood work never showed an infection either. But I was extremely sick and in a lot of pain. The doctors were baffled and this time they weren't going to let me leave the hospital until we had this problem solved.

To make a long story short, my abscess made me sick. VERY sick. I started feeling ill on March the 10th. Just really under the weather and nauseous......Then the next morning (March 11th) the diarrhea (profuse - like a full ostomy bag every 30-min to an hour) started. I started blacking out and when I would stand up my heart rate would shoot up to 117 bpm. This lasted all day and then the vomiting began. I became severely dehydrated and no medications would even begin to stop it. I was taken to the ER in Valdosta (We were there for 12 hours!!! With no answers!! It was not a good experience, but that is a whole other story) I was given fluids, had a CT scan, and once the doctor saw my completely re-arranged insides on the pictures - I think they were confused and said "I should go see my surgeon". Great.

So I was admitted into Shands in Gainesville until they could figure out why I was so sick and why I was still in excruciating amounts of pain from this abscess.The doctors said they would not discharge me until the diarrhea stopped. After a LOT of IV fluids and IV antibiotics, I am happy to say I began to feel somewhat like a human being again by Friday the16th. I was hooked up to an IV to get continuous fluids for a few days. After the antibiotics kicked in the diarrhea suddenly stopped and my pain went away. This is the first time in almost a year I have not been in some kind of pain. (First time in almost 3 months I have had relief from this abscess.) I am still on oral antibiotics this week, but I was feeling so much better that I was able to go to work all week! I can not start my chemo back until my antibiotics are done. Don't want a reaction like I had the last time. (Described in my last post)

We were happy to finally have some answers as to why I was in so much pain. My oncologist explained to me that my digestive tract was in so much distress from everything (abscess, surgery, antibiotics, chemo, not having a colon doesn't help either!) it was causing severe spasms in my stomach and intestines. When I would have these spasms it would squeeze the abscess causing insane amounts of pain. The vomiting and constant diarrhea was evidently caused by the infection. Chemo can sometimes mask the signs of an infection. I am so happy to be feeling better!!! The antibiotics still make me feel yucky and upset my stomach a bit, but I will take that any day over what I was feeling before. I should be finished with my antibiotics in about a week and then I can start my 4th round of chemo over. I am happy to be home and back together as a family & feeling pretty decent! We missed our baby girl! Elise is doing great. She's trying to learn how to walk and will be 11 months old next week! I'm excited to have a good, pain free weekend with my family!