Post 33: Last round....here we go!



It's been a while since I have written.
But this is it..... If all goes well - this is my last round of chemo.

I'm excited, terrified, happy, relieved, and anxious. So many emotions all rolled into one.
It's strange. As much as I desperately want this to be over, chemo was kind of like a safe zone where I could stay in limbo. I feel weird even saying that. No real surgeries or procedures & tests could be performed during these past 6 months. No one could call me to tell me anymore bad news than what I have already heard. I don't jump when the phone rings anymore. I've kind of been left alone by doctors for a littel while during chemo because nobody really wants to mess with you when you're on these drugs. But now it's all about to be over. This is a proud moment for us as a family. We can almost say, "We did it!"

 The dark days of chemo are about to be over.

I am so thankful and my heart is FULL.

I can finally take a deep breath.....almost.

So what comes next ? I will get about 6-8 weeks of rest from chemo before my next surgery. Before my takedown surgery I will have to have some more tests and procedures done. I'll explain those when they happen. I'm not even sure of all the details, and to be honest I'm not sure I want to know. I am scared of being in the hospital again. I'm tired of needles and drugs. I don't want to be in pain anymore. I am terrified of more bad news. But I have to keep telling myself how far we've come. The worst part should be over, right? I pray that it is. After my next surgery, recovery time will come with it's own set of challenges and missing another 8 weeks of work. But after that, we hope to be able to get back to a fairly "normal life."

I love my silly little familly

Normal for us has definitely changed. As a family, we've grown and learned so much from this journey. We've learned we just have to adjust to what life throws at us, and that becomes the new norm. We've really tried to focus on just living life and enjoying all the good moments. That part has been a blessing. During chemo, one can experience the darkest of days. There have been moments where I don't think I can handle anymore. But we've arrived to this place.

The last round.

Finally.

Looking back almost a year ago I didn't know if I could do it. I remember sitting in the oncologist's office crying on the couch while Phillip held my hand. We wondered how are we going to get through this with a new baby? We couldn't believe I was a "cancer patient." It was all just so surreal. We've come so far and we've done it together. I used to think of chemo treatments as losing 6 months to a year of my life. But those kinds of thoughts don't go through my head anymore. We've been living it up and doing the best we can. If I have a good day, we take advantage of it and do as much as we can. Some days I have to take it easy and I can't do a whole lot. Some days are spent doing nothing but laying in bed feeling like hell. But those days are part of my life right now. The tough days deserve the respect that every other day gets. Those moments are not seen as a "pause" in my life anymore. They are part of our life that we just work through together. Now I see them as moments that have brought our family even closer. Moments where I fall in love with my husband all over again. Moments where we cry together and assure eachother that we are a team. We WILL get through this. Those are the times where I have cherished my baby girl's smile like no other. Those moments are what life is about. The good, the bad and the ugly times all have moments of grace and beauty that will be etched into my memory forever.

Phillip & I after photographing a wedding.

Elise's 1st birthday

The past couple of months have been filled with so much happiness. Birthday celebrations (Elise turned one!) engagements, marriage celebrations, dancing and laughing, milestones like watching my baby girl take her first steps! I photographed a wedding, finished up a school year that I thought I wouldn't even be able to complete and was named teacher of the year for my school. I've been able to help a new fellow ostomate during her times of struggle. I've been able to bond with other cancer survivors and make new friends. Iv'e learned how to roll with the punches a little more, and know when to walk away when someone is saying something that hurts me now. I've learned to not be afraid to live life. It's been a beautifully busy month. Yes, I've had some rough patches, but I am still here. I'm still fighting and strong. I've had a lot of time to think. I desperately search for a reason and a purpose as to why all of this has happened. Maybe it's so I can be here to help somone else, maybe it's a wakeup call for me to live and love life to the fullest.

 So, 12 more days. I know these next couple of weeks will be difficult. But I am ALIVE. I am still here, my litle girl is happy and healthy. I have the love of my life by my side, and  I am surrounded by true friends, amazing co-workers and family so committed to seeing me through this through.

It's difficult....but not impossible.

12 more days.

Post 32: It was the best of times.....

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..... it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair....(Charles Dickins) those words describe the past year perfectly. A year ago our baby girl, Elise was born. April 26th, 2011. It was the happiest day of our lives. I had been sick and I knew in my heart something wasn't right. But my doctor told me to come back 6 weeks after Elise was born for more tests. This 6 weeks of normalcy was such a gift. I am so grateful for those moments where I could just focus on being a new mommy. That was the last time I felt "normal." I didn't have a care in the world other than being a new family. Phillip and I were so excited to be parents. This little girl has brought us so much happiness in the past year, and I don't know what we would have done without this angel. She is everything to us. Our light, our hope, our purpose. She makes every surgery, every pill, every test I have to endure, and every bit of stress we have gone through worth it. I will do anything I have to to make sure Phillip and I will grow old together. I want to see Elise find the love of her life like I have. I want her to experience these same feelings of joy and overwhelming love that I have for her if she chooses to have a little one someday. I want to know that I have done everything in my power to be with my family as long as I can. There have definitely been moments that are so dark I don't know how I will get out of them. But there have also been moments where I am so happy I feel like my heart might burst. Moments where I feel like I am the luckiest person on the planet. Happy birthday my sweet baby girl. We love you more than we can even express. 

Post 31: What NOT to say.

Last night I found myself in an ugly place. I was being mean to my husband. I was complaining about anything and everything. I ended up an emotional mess. I was angry. I couldn't put my finger exactly on what I was mad at, but I was just REALLY ANGRY. I think I was angry at my body. I was sick of the days being so difficult. I just wanted to feel normal. I was taking it all out on Phillip and then I realized I am being mean to the person who is my best friend, who takes care of me. The one who is there for me at my darkest moments. The person who loves me unconditionally even when I am mean and don't deserve to be loved. I then realized I was mad for another reason. I was angry with people. I wanted to write about a few things people say to me that just really upset me.

I recently started seeing a counselor about my anxiety issues I've been having this past year. I haven't found myself being plagued with fear about my health issues quite as much anymore - right now I am having more social anxiety and I've been avoiding people - which isn't like me. There are times when I have spotted someone I know at the grocery store and I literally run and hide in another isle because I am afraid I will be stuck at Publix talking about cancer for an hour. Since I've been going to counseling I have learned that I need to be more assertive and control where the conversation leads. So this blog entry was my little assignment from my counselor. Sometimes I wish I could be more outspoken and just tell people when they have hurt my feelings. But I just grin and bear it. I usually just nod my head while they run their mouth, tune them out, smile and take it because I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable for being an insensitive person. Then I go home and take it all out on my husband, cry and tell him what people have said to me. I know this doesn't make any sense. Unfortunately by me doing nothing about it, I am also teaching people that it's okay to treat me this way and that it's alright to say things that hurt me. In counseling I have also been learning different ways to change the conversation, or just simply walk away if someone is being ugly to me. I think they will eventually get the point that I am not going to talk about it anymore with them. 

 Let me be clear and say this post is not about everyone who asks me how I am, or lets me know they are thinking about me or praying for me. I am not speaking of the sweet people who cheer me on and come up to me and hug me and greet me with a smile and are genuinely concerned. I LOVE you all and am so grateful to have you in my life. So, I am speaking to the naysayers.... This post is for the people who feel this need to talk about death and suffering every time they see me and I end up comforting them. Those who think I wear a sign at the grocery store that says "talk to me abut cancer in public." Those who ask me how I am doing, not because they care, but because they are nosy and want the latest gossip. This post is for those who never smile at me anymore and come towards me with a sad face saying, "aaaaaawww :( Oh you poor thing...."  I don't want pity or for you to look at me like I am dying. I don't want to talk about how I remind you of someone you knew who suffered through chemo, or someone you know who fought cancer but died in the end. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THESE STORIES. You would be surprised how often people do this. If you have said these types of things to me, I don't need you to come to me after reading this and apologize or tell me you feel bad. I don't care. I'm not going to make you feel better and say it was okay that you said those things to me. I am posting this in hopes that you will STOP and leave me alone, or at least think before you speak. You might be the nicest person in the world with all the best intentions. You might be concerned or don't know what to say. Maybe you feel like if you don't say anything at all I will think you don't care. Sometimes when a person is going through a difficult time, all they need is a hug and for you to tell them you are thinking of them / praying for them / love them. That's it. No profound words are needed. No stories of death are needed to make my situation seem "better." I would rather you just leave me alone if that is all you can think of when you see me. Just talk about the weather, ask about my family, talk about something that is going on in your life. Please stop talking to me about cancer and death. Instead celebrate with me, be happy for me that I am doing the best I can.

Another issue I am having is people telling me how "bad or sickly I look". At least once a day I get the sad face, then I hear I "look gray, or tired, I look weak, sickly, or my eyes look droopy." Yes, seriously people say this to me everyday. I get questions like, "are you okay? you look kind of grey and sick."  or "are you tired, you look like you don't feel good today." or "you're wasting away, you need to eat more". Of course I am tired. Of course I don't feel good. Would you like to eat when you feel sick? Chemo is no walk in the park. But I am TRYING and FIGHTING. When people say things like this to me it hurts my feelings so much and I am sick of hearing it. Would you normally insult a woman and tell her how bad she looks? Why is it okay to tell a person who you know is going through a rough time how bad they look? As women, we need to build each other up and support each other. Not say things that make us feel insecure or ugly.  

So I am done with trying to make you feel comfortable while your comments cause me to be in pain. To paint you a better picture of how much it hurts my feelings, this is what my morning is like before you say something like that to me:

At 6am I can barely get out of bed because I feel horrible. I spend 30 minutes trying to force down a piece of bread so I can take my chemo medicine so I won't throw up. I probably cried before I got dressed because my body hurts so badly and I am exhausted from not being able to sleep. I can't find anything to wear because I have lost so much weight from being sick. I can't take a hot shower because of my hand and foot syndrome and the blisters on my skin. Just thinking about getting ready has exhausted me and I just want to go lay back down. Instead, I wash my face, put on my makeup and try to pull myself together. I  put on a pretty dress so I can feel a little bit better about myself. I leave the house with hopes that if I look alright maybe people will treat me like I am a normal person and not treat me like I am sick. I psych myself up hoping it will be a good day and I feel pretty for a second in my dress. Then a person comes and basically tells me how crappy I look? Seriously?? This hurts my feelings so much. People might think it shows they are concerned, but really it's just a reminder to me how bad I actually feel. Please stop doing this to me. Just lie to me and tell me I look great. If I look bad, then don't say anything at all. I am doing the best I can and the last thing I need to worry about is being criticized for the way I look. I am in the fight of my life and I don't need to be told I look like crap.Yes, I am tired. What kind of question is that? Please be more sensitive and ask yourself if you would want someone to say that to you.

Naysayers, YOU WILL NO LONGER RUIN MY DAYS. 

Ok, I am done. And I have to say that felt pretty good :) 

Post 30: I get knocked down...but I get up again!

Waiting in the ER waiting room.
Unfortunately, this ER trip gave us no answers and we ended
up having to drive to Shands in Gainesville shortly after this so
I could be admitted into the hospital.  

Last week was just plain horrible. There's no other way to describe it. There is a happy ending to my story though! I missed the entire week of work because I had to be admitted into Shands Hospital for complications. Phillip and I left Elise with my mom while I was hospitalized. It was so difficult leaving her again, and I found myself crying so much in the hospital because I missed her terribly.

Just to give you a quick run down...... Last week (March 11-16th) I was in and out of two hospitals, had a CT scan, blood cultures, stool samples taken, abdomen X-Rays, more blood tests, a MRI of my abdomen & pelvis, Potassium infusions, countless bags of IV fluids, IV antibiotics, vital signs taken a billion times, met with surgeons, lots of doctors and medical students crowded around me observing the doctors.....let's just say I felt like I was on an episode of "House" with a giant team of doctors, oncologists and surgeons trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Even though the abscess showed up on my CT scan, I still never ran a fever, my blood work never showed an infection either. But I was extremely sick and in a lot of pain. The doctors were baffled and this time they weren't going to let me leave the hospital until we had this problem solved.

To make a long story short, my abscess made me sick. VERY sick. I started feeling ill on March the 10th. Just really under the weather and nauseous......Then the next morning (March 11th) the diarrhea (profuse - like a full ostomy bag every 30-min to an hour) started. I started blacking out and when I would stand up my heart rate would shoot up to 117 bpm. This lasted all day and then the vomiting began. I became severely dehydrated and no medications would even begin to stop it. I was taken to the ER in Valdosta (We were there for 12 hours!!! With no answers!! It was not a good experience, but that is a whole other story) I was given fluids, had a CT scan, and once the doctor saw my completely re-arranged insides on the pictures - I think they were confused and said "I should go see my surgeon". Great.

So I was admitted into Shands in Gainesville until they could figure out why I was so sick and why I was still in excruciating amounts of pain from this abscess.The doctors said they would not discharge me until the diarrhea stopped. After a LOT of IV fluids and IV antibiotics, I am happy to say I began to feel somewhat like a human being again by Friday the16th. I was hooked up to an IV to get continuous fluids for a few days. After the antibiotics kicked in the diarrhea suddenly stopped and my pain went away. This is the first time in almost a year I have not been in some kind of pain. (First time in almost 3 months I have had relief from this abscess.) I am still on oral antibiotics this week, but I was feeling so much better that I was able to go to work all week! I can not start my chemo back until my antibiotics are done. Don't want a reaction like I had the last time. (Described in my last post)

We were happy to finally have some answers as to why I was in so much pain. My oncologist explained to me that my digestive tract was in so much distress from everything (abscess, surgery, antibiotics, chemo, not having a colon doesn't help either!) it was causing severe spasms in my stomach and intestines. When I would have these spasms it would squeeze the abscess causing insane amounts of pain. The vomiting and constant diarrhea was evidently caused by the infection. Chemo can sometimes mask the signs of an infection. I am so happy to be feeling better!!! The antibiotics still make me feel yucky and upset my stomach a bit, but I will take that any day over what I was feeling before. I should be finished with my antibiotics in about a week and then I can start my 4th round of chemo over. I am happy to be home and back together as a family & feeling pretty decent! We missed our baby girl! Elise is doing great. She's trying to learn how to walk and will be 11 months old next week! I'm excited to have a good, pain free weekend with my family!

Post 29: 4 1/2 months past surgery - and my first complication. An abscess

What a roller coaster we have been on lately. I have been having quite a bit of pain in my surgery area the past several weeks where my internal JPouch was created and near my tail bone. It's been over 4 months since my surgery, so I thought I was in the clear of having any complications. Unfortunately, I didn't get out that easy. I've done a lot of research trying to figure out what has been causing my pain. It's not just an "ache, cramp, or discomfort" the doctors keep calling it. I asked them if I could possibly have an abscess in the surgery site since every symptom I described suggested that. Doctors kept telling me "you don't appear sick enough. You would look very sick and have a fever." I have heard all kinds of theories as to what my pain must be. I've been prescribed medicine for stomach cramps, I have been given narcotic pain killers. Nothing would help it. I went to the doctor 3 times complaining of this excruciating pain that comes and goes randomly. No one would take me seriously because I didn't "appear sick?!" 
I have been so upset because I felt like no one could help me figure out what was wrong with me. What am I supposed to do? Come into the doctor's office in my PJ's limping and crying with no makeup on for them to understand I am in pain? I do that privately in my home. Not in public. I started to get very angry because I felt like no one was listening to me. I know my body and I know something was wrong. It was also frustrating because I had a hard time describing this pain to my doctors. I think the only way to understand it is if you have experienced it yourself. As I researched on the internet, I found on a forum for people who have had JPouch surgery. One person described it as feeling like a stick was being shoved up her rear end into her stomach. Graphic, I know. But when I read that I thought, that's kind of a good way to describe it! Finally I found someone else who has felt this pain and understands! The pain comes and goes sometimes 5 minutes apart, sometimes several hours apart. It lasts for about 10 seconds then fades off.... It is INTENSE. It knocks the breath out of me, I can't speak or walk or sit during these 10 seconds. So, as you can imagine - it's a bit inconvenient and has been making it hard to function normally. This person ended up having an abscess, so I was convinced this must be what I had too.
Well, the pain just became so unbearable that I couldn't take it anymore. I demanded a CT scan of my pelvis and needed answers as to why I have been in so much pain. We waited at Shands all day so they could fit us in. I didn't want to leave until I had the scan done to give us an answer. Well, the CT scan showed that I DID in fact have an abscess!!! Finally I had an answer to why I have been in so much pain. The reason why I would get waves of pain is because the small intestine is VERY active. It had also ruptured and started to drain. It's good that it is draining on it's own because if it had not, I would have to go in for another surgery to put a drain in. The drain tube would come out of my hip and I would have to carry around a drain for a couple of weeks like I had after my first surgery. I DO NOT want that!!

My feet covered in painful blisters. Hand and Foot
syndrome at its worst from Chemotherapy (Xeloda)

I was then put on 2 antibiotics. Cipro and Flagyl. So I thought I was on my way to healing.

Nope! Not that easy. I tend to not do anything the easy way unfortunately.  I had a VERY BAD reaction from the chemo and antibiotics mixing. I became very sick, lethargic and could barely lift my head. I stayed home from work and just laid in bed all day. Phillip had to come home to help me eat and drink. The medicine combo caused my hand and foot syndrome to go CRAZY. The entire bottoms of my feet blistered up and I was in a lot of pain. This doesn't happen often, I guess my body and the medicine just didn't play nice together. My mom and sister came over to help us with Elise so Phillip could take care of me because I couldn't walk. Mom put lotion on my poor feet and I put bags of frozen peas on them to help with the burning and swelling from the blisters. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful family. I love them so much.
Phillip called the doctors and my oncologist told me to stop EVERYTHING. He said he wanted to give my body a chance to heal on it's own.  No antibiotics, no chemo. Just HEAL. So, I only made it to day 4 of my 4th round of chemo until my medicine was pulled. I am a little discouraged because I just want to get chemo over with. It's taking longer because of this complication. But my abscess will have to heal and my feet have to completely heal before I can start my chemo back. As of right now, I am trying to take it easy and focus on healing. I am starting to feel better and will update when I start my chemo back.

Oh! Forgot to write about another thing that happened during my CT scan.....We ended up having to put in a complaint about the technician who did my scan at Shands. I have never, ever had a bad experience at Shands until then.  While I was laying on the table for my scan, the technician felt the need to talk about someone she knew who had colon cancer and how that person died. She said "Oh, yeah I knew someone who was diagnosed with colon cancer. She just went in for vomiting and she died a year later!" She went on and on about this woman suffering and I ended up having a panic attack on the table during the scan.. There were also problems with getting the IV to go in. My veins kept being blown, and there was an issue with getting the contrast ink to go in my IV. The technician kept pulling and tugging at my IV to get the ink to go in. My arm muscles started spasming and I felt a burning sensation. She kept asking me "does it feel like it was in my veins or did it feel like it was leaking into my skin." WHAT? Um, you're supposed to know that! Not ME! Meanwhile, her assistant kept referring to my osotmy as a "tube coming out of my stomach."  By the time the scan was over  I was shaking so bad I had to take a Xanax when I got out of the room to calm down. It was awful. I hadn't had a panic attack like that in a while. We filed a complaint and they were extremely apologetic and will be handling it. Hopefully will hear something back about that soon. Other than that, I have had terrific care at Shands and I have had several CT scans in the past with no problems.

The lesson I learned from all of this is to be persistent with your doctors and do not give up until you get an answer! You know your body better than anyone else. If you feel like something is not right, get it checked out even if the doctors think you're just over reacting. In my situation, I knew something was wrong, and I was right! Now I am on my way to getting better. I also learned that I should never sit there and let a medical professional treat me poorly. If something like this ever happens again I will not sit there and take it. If a person can't show some compassion to their patent while doing their job, I will be better about telling them that it's not okay to treat me this way, walk out (if I am able!) and find someone who will.

Post 28: March is Colon Cancer Awareness Month

Getting a colonoscopy is something a lot of people put off due to being embarrassed & uncomfortable with the idea, or because they are scared of the procedure or preparation. Some even avoid colonoscopies because they are afraid of what might be found. But colon cancer is one cancer that is preventable with early and regular screening. Screening can catch polyps before they become cancerous, and when caught early, colon cancer can be cured.

It is recommended that everyone over 50 begin their screenings regularly. The procedure is quick, not painful and most insurance covers it. However, if colon cancer runs in your family OR you have any of the following symptoms it is important to get screened no matter what your age. My screenings began when I was 19 years old because I developed ulcerative colitis which increased my risk of developing colon cancer.

The most common symptom of colon cancer is having no symptom at all, which is why regular screening is critical. If you experience any of the following symptoms, speak to your doctor about scheduling a screening, especially if you have a personal or family history of cancer or colon polyps:

• A change in bowel habits such as diarrhea, constipation, or narrowing of the stool that lasts for more than a few days

• Rectal bleeding or blood in the stool
• Cramping or stomach pain
• Feeling bloated or full in the stomach
• Gas pains
• Weakness and fatigue
• Decreased appetite
• Vomiting
• Losing weight when you are not trying to

The symptoms of colon cancer may resemble other conditions like infections, hemorrhoids and inflammatory bowel disease, so talk to your doctor if you are experiencing any of these symptoms.

People who are at risk are stereotypically obese and sedentary individuals, or people who smoke & eat a diet high in fat. However, this is NOT always the case!!! I eat healthy and have always maintained a healthy weight. Before my surgery, I was very active. I ran and worked out regularly. I have never smoked a cigarette in my life. I don't know anyone in my family who had ulcerative colitis, I think a distant relative might have had colon cancer. Other than my UC which was well controlled by medication I was very healthy.  So as you can see, colon cancer does not discriminate. That is why it is so important to listen to your body and get checked out if something is not right.
Since I had ulcerative colitis, my screenings were performed every couple of years. None of my screenings showed any signs of colon cancer until I was 32. During my pregnancy, the estrogen caused my tumor to show up. Regular screenings and being pregnant actually SAVED MY LIFE. If I had not been screened when I noticed unusual symptoms, and waited even for another 6, months my cancer would have spread. (To read about how I knew something wasn't right, read HERE about how we found my tumor.)

Don't ever ignore any symptoms that don't seem normal for you. Just go and get checked. If everything comes out fine, that is great!! If not, be grateful the problem was found and you can get on a treatment plan that will help you get well or possibly save your life. Don't put it off anymore!!!

For more information on Colon Cancer, and to find out if you are at risk and what to do to get screened:  Click HERE.

If you ever have any questions about getting a colonoscopy and are embarrassed to ask, please don't ever hesitate to send me an email at: klappfamily@gmail.com. I would be more than happy to talk with you about any questions you might have.

Post 27: Ups and Downs. Healing the mind as well as the body

Why is it that we feel we have to put on the fake smile and pretend everything is just perfect? You know you do it. I am so guilty of it. People casually say, "Hi, how are you?" or ask if you need help. The response is usually, "Oh, I'm fine! I don't need anything, but thanks anyway!" We are not going to get an award or a cookie for being perfect and pulled together at all times. I'm not saying walk around and be a rude grump to everyone. But we are human and we are far from perfect. I have been trying my best this past week to ask for help. I am stubborn and hard headed. I've also learned I am a control freak. I don't like to let go and let people do things for me. I am working on this and trying to let people in. And thank you to those who have just insisted and won't take no for an answer. I have some good friends I am so grateful for.
The other day someone said to me, "Oh, you're just so strong and you are handling all of this so well!"  In all honesty, I'm really not! Not even close! Each day feels like a mountain to climb. Once the day is over, I collapse on the couch and I am done. Then it starts all over the next day. When I hear that word strong I feel like this is a silly description for me. If only you could see me break down into the ugly cry at home. I have been one of those guilty ones of putting on the fake smile and just pushing through, only to loose it the moment I walk in my house. My husband really is the only one I usually let see me like this. He is constantly my hero and peeling me up off the floor.

Yes, I have had wonderful days. Days I am so grateful for. Days I feel good, and I am happy. Don't get me wrong, I consider myself extremely lucky. I have a beautiful, healthy baby girl and an amazing husband. A beautiful safe home. A great job. So I don't deserve to have a pity party right? That's what I tell myself and that's why I beat myself up constantly. I don't deserve to feel sorry for myself. So many have it much worse. This is where I have learned a valuable lesson from a dear friend and co-worker who has fought cancer herself. She has taught me that I need to allow myself to mourn, be human, take a day off to cry if I need it. This is what will help heal me. If I am not good to myself, I will be no good to others.

As I have been recovering from surgery and doing my chemo treatments, I still have days at home where that smile is nowhere to be found. My home is my safe place where I can wrap myself up in a blanket and close out the world if I need to. Some days I get lost in a mental funk and I feel like I am spiraling into sadness I can't shake. There are days I have trouble sleeping and have no appetite… some mornings it takes me an hour to eat a piece of toast. There are days I don't feel like talking to anybody and would lie in bed in the morning, dreading the thought of getting up and starting the day. There are days I am listless and have zero interest in doing anything. Some days I am in pain and don't even want to look at myself in the mirror. No amount of concealer can cover those dark circles, and the baggy shirts don't take away the fact that I have a bag of crap attached to my stomach and I feel disgusting. There are days at home I curl up in a ball and sob until I couldn’t cry anymore, only to repeat the emotional breakdown a few hours later.

There will be days like that...... And they will pass.

A big challenge I am having right now is not wanting to get out there and be social. I'm finding that I have become a little withdrawn lately, and feel like a lot of people just don't know what to say to me anymore. I fear running into someone I know who thinks I wear a giant sign that says. "COME TALK TO ME ABOUT CANCER!"  I understand, maybe people feel awkward and they want to show their concern and ask lots of questions about, but I just want to get out and be normal like everyone else. I just can't handle another conversation about  how someone they know suffered through cancer only to die in the end. Why people feel the need to tell me these stories? I will never know. I remember when I was pregnant, people loved talking about how they almost died during child birth. Why do people do this!!?? It's just mean. I find myself afraid to go to the store because I just don't have the energy to put on my fake smile and listen to people's unthoughtful comments. To avoid these conversations, sometimes I just want to be alone and stay home, but at the same time I feel so extremely lonely. It's a very frustrating feeling. I want people to remember that I am a real person with a real life going on despite all of this cancer stuff.  I'm a mother, wife, sister, daughter, teacher, photographer. I love to cook and sip on wine, I love the outdoors and I love my friends and family. I love to laugh, I love to dance. I love music.

I long for the days before my diagnosis. I miss the old me so much my heart breaks when I look at old pictures. I want  my life back. I want ME back. The playful silly me. The creative quirky me. Just the gal with the curly red hair. I want to be normal again. At times I feel like I am trapped in a bubble. I can see everything I want to do, but when I try it feels so out of reach. Chemo has made me so exhausted that I just don't have the energy to do the things I love right now. I miss that girl inside of me that I used to be. She will come back out someday. I know she is still there. I just have to find her again.

The most valuable lesson I have learned from some good friends, and I can't believe it has taken me 33 years (and 4 months after surgery) to get this through my hard head:  We need to stop comparing ourselves to others.

Some people say, "Oh, I know so-and-so who was on chemotherapy, and she came to work everyday during her chemotherapy and never missed a day. She acted like it didn't phase her! So I'm sure you'll be fine!"  When people say things like this to me it makes me cringe. I know they might be trying to encourage me, and I still smile and say,"That's great! Good for her!" But it used to make me feel so defeated. What's wrong with me? I go home and cry and can't get out of bed. But so-and so is such a trooper. Why can't I be more strong like that?? 
I have realized now that I never need to compare myself to others. Ever again. It eats at my spirit and brings me down. Now what I'm really thinking is either that person is (A) a robot, or (B) they are having emotional breakdowns at home behind closed doors that no one sees JUST. LIKE. ME.
I am pretty sure the answer is B.

No matter who you are, everyone is going through some kind of struggle in their life. Whether it's cancer, divorce, loss of a loved one, healing after an illness, depression or anxiety issues, relationship problems, stress at work, being apart from your family. Everyone is going through something tough. Everyone has a story. Everyone is smiling to cover a wound.





NEVER, EVER, EVER compare yourself to others and think, "they are so strong and they seem like their life is so perfect. What's wrong with me? Why can't I be stronger and be happy all the time like that? Why am I so weak?" STOP DOING THIS TO YOURSELF. Everyone is going through their own battle. I am trying to remind myself of this daily. You are you. I am me. That is all we can be.


Oh, and good news. I am officially 1/2 way through my treatments! I completed my 14 day chemo cycle and did not get Hand & Food Syndrome this time!!! Yay! Three more rounds to go.