|Elise and Mommy right before going|
to daycare. She is my ray of sunshine
through all of this! (5 1/2 months old)
Everyone kept reminding me that we are a team and they will be working with our family and helping us along the way. There will be a lot I will have to learn when I wake up from surgery. I will have a colostomy bag (hopefully temporary) and that will take some getting used to. Also they will be getting me up out of the bed and get me walking within 24 hours. Even if it's just around my room at first. They also said I will be without food for a few days. I'll start with liquids and slowly work back to solid foods. It will be a physical and emotional roller coaster, but I am so lucky to have Phillip by my side. The toughest part is not being able to see Elise right after the surgery. Elise has been what has kept me happy and going strong. I can have the most rotten day, but as soon as she is in my arms I am happy. My mom will bring her up to see us after a few days when I am feeling a little better. Phillip will be able to stay with me and help take care of me while I am in the hospital. He will be learning a lot from the nurses on how to help me when we go home as well. Luckily I have my mom and sister who will be taking care of Elise the week we are in the hospital.
I can't tell you enough how lucky I am. I really have the most amazing family, and my husband...I think he is an angel. He is my best friend and has held my hand through every single appointment. I know this is all just as tough for him, if not harder. I know I would rather go through with this than have to watch him, or Elise go through any type of surgery. I know he feels helpless. But the truth is, he has done more for me than he realizes. Just being there to tell me everything will be ok is all that I need.
After 5 hours of being at the hospital, and a two hour drive there and back, we were finally home just in time to give Elise a bath and get her to bed. We missed her so much! We get so excited when we pull in our driveway because we know we are minutes away from hugging and kissing our little girl!
My spirits are still high. During the days I feel pretty good. However, I am finding I don't want to be alone lately. That's kind of unusual for me. I have never been the type that had to always be around someone. I love a quiet afternoon by myself at the house. But lately, I can't handle being alone with my thoughts. The evenings are the most difficult for me right now. After Elise goes to bed I tend to have some anxiety attacks. I guess when it's quiet I have time to think. I end up worry myself sick. Sometimes I am scared to go to bed because I know I will lay there and think about everything....I think, will I make it through the surgery? Will Phillip & Elise be left alone? Has the cancer spread? Will I wake up from surgery with more bad news? Can we handle the medical bills? Then I start to feel guilty about having to be taken care of. I don't want to be a burden.....the thoughts just go on and on. My doctor prescribed some medication that will help me fall asleep and calm my anxiety a little bit. It has helped me a lot in the evenings. When we met with the psychologist at our last visit, she said I might be experiencing some night time depression. I feel like I am just a big mess in the evenings! But writing about it and talking it through has helped a lot. I am definitely ready to have this behind us.
I just want to thank you all again for your continued prayers. All of your sweet comments and emails have really helped me stay strong. My 1st surgery is on the 24th of October - a little over a week away. For now, I just want to get the house together and spend as much time with my family as possible. I might still be in the hospital during halloween, so this weekend we may try to find a pumpkin patch for Elise to see! I want to take lots of family pictures too. I'll be cuddling and snuggling that little girl as much as I can this week!